


Talking Hotdog

by mariadperiad20



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Pre-Relationship, hammerhead is a hammerhead shark, hamnoir - Freeform, i wrote this in 20 minutes at midnight, idk which peter noir is, lots of hammers, or spider-ham's for that matter, the writing does not match noir's speech pattern at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 06:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17238788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariadperiad20/pseuds/mariadperiad20
Summary: When Spider Noir had agreed to visit Spider Ham's universe, he hadn't known what to expect."Looney Toons" physics, whatever that was, he knew about. The big things popping out of small things that shouldn't be able to hold them, got it. The "don't look down and you won't fall", got it. Even the birds fluttering around over people's heads was within the realm of possibility for Noir.However, he drew the line at talking food.





	Talking Hotdog

When Spider Noir had agreed to visit Spider Ham's universe, he hadn't known what to expect.

"Looney Toons" physics, whatever that was, he knew about. The big things popping out of small things that shouldn't be able to hold them, got it. The "don't look down and you won't fall", got it. Even the birds fluttering around over people's heads was within the realm of possibility for Noir.

However, he drew the line at talking food.

"It's fine, Noir!" Ham grinned, taking a gigantic bite out of a hotdog that was saying, "Eat me!"

Noir's eye twitched from behind his mask. In his world, the only food that talked was the poor shmucks that were used as bait. They were none too happy, either, unlike this talking piece of meat and bread. Their gray faces would pull back in fear, they would cry for help, begging not to be taken by the big sleep. Not one of those souls made it. Not one. That was just the way Noir's world was built.

This world, though, was currently a hotdog stand full of hotdogs, and bouncing up and down and asking him to pick them, eat them.

The vendor leaned over the edge of the stand, a comically large rat with a cup of coffee balancing on its head. "Look man, either take one of skedaddle. You're holding up the line."

Noir turned around. Not a soul was around. He turned back to face the mouse, and suddenly felt a woosh of air. He whipped his head, and saw that, miraculously, a line of about a hundred or so "people" had appeared behind him. Porker grabbed Noir's hotdog, and pulled him away.

"Noir, man, you can't be so indecisive. How do you ever superhero around when you can't even pick your favorite talking hotdog? Come on." Porker nudged him, "Eat it while we're walking. I want to introduce you to my archnemisis."

Noir cautiously bit into the hotdog. It squealed with excitement, and he swore he could feel it moving in his mouth. "Archnemisis?"

"Yeah, he's a real hoot. He's named Hammerhead, and lemme tell you, he's got a great hardware store. Any kind of hammer you need, he's got it. Big ones that break stuff, small ones that break stuff, one that can shoot lazers, that sort of thing."

"And he's your enemy because...?" Noir asked, choking down another bite of this living cartoon. It didn't taste bad. Actually, it was pretty damn good. Except for the whole "living" part. That was mildly unsettling.

"Oh," Ham shrugged, "He tries to blow up the world every weekend."

"Wait what?"

"Yeah. One time he used a big hammer, one time he used a small one, one time he used one that shot lazers, lemme tell you, that one was hard to dodge, one was just a rock." Porker listed, before pausing. "I think he ran out of time that go round, he was pretty embarassed. I let him win for a while though, to make him feel better. I suggested he should attach the rock to a cannon, but he felt that wouldn't fit with his overall theme of hammering things."

Noir had never heard of such casual interactions with archnemeises. In his universe, every fight was a battle to the death, and the last time he went up against a crime head boss, he lost two civilians. Now Porker was trying to introduce them to him?

Ham stopped in front of a dinky shop, that looked no bigger than a shed. Noir stared down at him.

"I told you, Noir. Looney physics." Porker winked, then pulled open the door dramatically. Noir stepped inside, and was standing in a multi-story, sprawling room filled from top to bottom with hammers. As Ham closed the door behind them, a tall chair in the center of the room swiveled around dramatically, revealing... a hammerhead shark.

"Ah ha! Spider Ham, come crawling back in an attempt to vanquish me? I have just the thing to defeat you now!" He cackled, while rifling through drawers in a cartoonishly frantic manner.

"Nah, it's Thursday. I'm actually here to show you my new friend, Spider Noir."

 

Hammerhead looked back at Noir, as if just noticing him. "What's wrong with him? Did they run out of ink? My hammers won't fix that, sorry."

"Now just who do you think you are, lizard-biter?" Noir asked heatedly, "My ink runs just fine, thank you very much."

Hammerhead held up his flippers defensively. "All right, all right. Any friend of Spider Ham's is a friend of mine." His face darkened. "Until Saturday morning begins. Then you are my sworn enemy."

Noir nodded tightly, turning to look for Ham. Said cartoon was currently balancing on top of a good few dozen hammers end on end, reaching up for an oversized wooden hammer on the wall. Noir opened his mouth to ask Ham if needed help, but chose not to say anything, lest Porker look down. Within moments, he had sucessfully procured the hammer, and brandished it above himself.

"Hey, Noir, check out this-" The hammer slipped out of Ham's grasp, and paused for a moment before falling down. "Oops."

Noir looked up, just in time for it to hit him square in the face. He stepped back, and instantly tripped over another hammer that had mysteriously appeared out of thin air, falling flat on his back.

"Ow."

Ham slid down the stack of hammers, scampering to Noir's side. "Are you okay, Noir? You have stars floating around your head. That's pretty serious."

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing dandy, thanks for asking." Noir replied, sitting up and swiping at the little stars circling him. They scattered away, along with the remaining discomfort from being hit. Noir wished his universe could work like that. Sure would have saved him a lot of scars.

Noir got to his feet, Ham running around him, dusting him off with a feather duster he pulled out of his pocket. With a flippered wave from Hammerhead, the pair were back on the street. Noir dodged a mouse being chased by a cat, noting the copyright infringement mark over each of them.

Besides him, Porker was excitedly chatting, telling him about how they should go skydiving next, since it was always fun to find out what was in the parachute pack.

"I need to head back to my universe, Ham." Noir said, stopping Ham before he walked into oncoming traffic.

"But... but Peni fixed the glitching." Porker looked up with suddenly gigantic doe eyes.

"I know. But I can't leave my universe for too long, anyway. There are dames out there who need their husbands killed." Noir said gently.

Ham's eyes filled with tears. "Ok, Noir." Suddenly, his expression changed entirely. "You can visit anytime you like! Except Saturdays. It's a bloodbath!" He said cheerfully.

Noir raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

As he prepared to flip back to his universe, Porker reached out a hand, stopping him.

"Seriously, Noir, come over anytime. It's nice having you around. And I have more villains to show you." Ham pulled Noir down easily to his level. "I'll miss you." Porker gave Noir a quick kiss on the forehead, before promptly shoving him through the portal back into his own universe.

Noir stared at the swirling portal for a minute, eyes wide under his mask.

Maybe he could visit Spider Ham's universe more often, after all. But he was definitely eating beforehand.

**Author's Note:**

> Critique, comment, compliment however you want.
> 
> This is my first attempt at Hamnoir, It is trash. The writing pattern is all wrong and I hate this fic but I figured to put it out there anyway because this ship needs some love.
> 
> If you don't entirely hate what you see, send me a prompt for a fic to my tumblr (same name as my AO3).


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